| MARRIIGE MYTH #1- YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE |
(I will be talking to women wanting to change men; just substitute the opposite if you are a guy)
Marriage Myth #1 - You can change your spouse.
The biggest mistake people make before getting married is thinking the other person will change after
they get married. Sometimes we believe we can influence the change – “I can change him” – but YOU
CAN NOT. CAN NOT. CAN NOT. Ok? CAN NOT. What they are is what they are.
I once heard a perfect line: “Who the person is before you marry them is who they will be after you
marry them – only magnified.” In other words, if they are whiney before you get married, they will be
whiney magnified afterwards. They will be even more whiney.
If they drink a little too much before you get married, they will drink even more afterwards. If they
mishandle you a little bit before – or talk down to you – it will be magnified afterwards. It may possibly
become physical abuse. Don’t ever accept that.
The recent mess with the famous singer Rihanna whose boyfriend smacked her around then choked
her to unconsciousness is a perfect example. He may be sorry but he did this to someone he
supposedly loved but that does not make it OK. If she takes him back and continues to allow this type
behavior, then it will only grow worse as time goes by. He may be able to fake it for a time, but
eventually something else will trigger the abuse to happen again. He will eventually kill her… and still
not “mean it” and will “be sorry”.
You can not change anyone. You can’t make anyone do right. Only God can and that is only when a
person sells out to God. They may promise, “I’ll go to church with you. I’ll change.” That’s fine. But
until there is fruit – proof - they’ve changed – and a generous time period to go with that fruit - walk
away. Talk is so cheap and anyone can say “I’ll change.” It isn’t until they DO change and it has been
obvious for an extended time period, they haven’t changed.
Example: If they verbally abuse you and you break it off, then they come back and say, “I’ll change,
take me back,” DON’T DO IT. If they say, “I have changed and I will never do it again,” DON’T
LISTEN. If they say, “I have been in counseling (or will go to counseling), take me back,” DON’T DO
IT. Wait until they have been in counseling for a long time and manifest the changes before you even
consider going to dinner with them. There has to be proof before you believe them.
And never kid yourself with, “All they need is the love of a good man/woman.” Nope. God’s love
maybe but yours is not powerful enough to cause change. Oh, they might change for a little while but
it most likely won’t last. God’s love is the only love that is anointed with the power to change a person,
especially an abuser.
No matter who a person is, it is not your calling, responsibility or duty to change them. What they are
while you are dating is who they will be afterwards. Period. If you try to be the Holy ‘Spirit in their life –
try to change them – you will always fail. It is not your job. If you can’t live with some aspect of who
they are while you are dating, DO NOT MARRY THEM then expect to change them. NEVER WORKS.
And after you’re married and think about going to God about all HIS problems? God will not talk to you
about your husband and his problems expect to tell you to pray for him. You’ll never hear God say,
“Oh, you are so right. Joe really needs to worship Me more and serve Me better. Go forth and NAG
him into it.”
Nope, you will hear God say, “Let’s talk about you. Let’s talk about walking in love. Let’s talk about
your forgiveness. Let’s talk about your patience. Let’s talk about what you do that triggers that action
in your mate.” God only talks to you about you. Your mate has his own relationship with God and that
is who God will talk to about him – him.
So singles – DON’T marry someone who has major issues while you are dating, then expect that to
change after you marry.
Married people – DON’T think you can change your mate with any actions or words on your part.
There is no scripture that says, “Thou shalt nag.” There are scriptures that say, “Walk in love” and
“forgive one another.” There never has been a scripture that gave you permission to try to change
your mate to your perfect idea of what he should be. That is God’s job, not yours. And while you are
pointing a finger at your mate and saying, “You don’t do this right and you sure don’t do that right”
remember – there are 3 fingers pointing back toward YOU.
YOU are your only responsibility to change.
Marriage Myth #1 - You can change your spouse.
The biggest mistake people make before getting married is thinking the other person will change after
they get married. Sometimes we believe we can influence the change – “I can change him” – but YOU
CAN NOT. CAN NOT. CAN NOT. Ok? CAN NOT. What they are is what they are.
I once heard a perfect line: “Who the person is before you marry them is who they will be after you
marry them – only magnified.” In other words, if they are whiney before you get married, they will be
whiney magnified afterwards. They will be even more whiney.
If they drink a little too much before you get married, they will drink even more afterwards. If they
mishandle you a little bit before – or talk down to you – it will be magnified afterwards. It may possibly
become physical abuse. Don’t ever accept that.
The recent mess with the famous singer Rihanna whose boyfriend smacked her around then choked
her to unconsciousness is a perfect example. He may be sorry but he did this to someone he
supposedly loved but that does not make it OK. If she takes him back and continues to allow this type
behavior, then it will only grow worse as time goes by. He may be able to fake it for a time, but
eventually something else will trigger the abuse to happen again. He will eventually kill her… and still
not “mean it” and will “be sorry”.
You can not change anyone. You can’t make anyone do right. Only God can and that is only when a
person sells out to God. They may promise, “I’ll go to church with you. I’ll change.” That’s fine. But
until there is fruit – proof - they’ve changed – and a generous time period to go with that fruit - walk
away. Talk is so cheap and anyone can say “I’ll change.” It isn’t until they DO change and it has been
obvious for an extended time period, they haven’t changed.
Example: If they verbally abuse you and you break it off, then they come back and say, “I’ll change,
take me back,” DON’T DO IT. If they say, “I have changed and I will never do it again,” DON’T
LISTEN. If they say, “I have been in counseling (or will go to counseling), take me back,” DON’T DO
IT. Wait until they have been in counseling for a long time and manifest the changes before you even
consider going to dinner with them. There has to be proof before you believe them.
And never kid yourself with, “All they need is the love of a good man/woman.” Nope. God’s love
maybe but yours is not powerful enough to cause change. Oh, they might change for a little while but
it most likely won’t last. God’s love is the only love that is anointed with the power to change a person,
especially an abuser.
No matter who a person is, it is not your calling, responsibility or duty to change them. What they are
while you are dating is who they will be afterwards. Period. If you try to be the Holy ‘Spirit in their life –
try to change them – you will always fail. It is not your job. If you can’t live with some aspect of who
they are while you are dating, DO NOT MARRY THEM then expect to change them. NEVER WORKS.
And after you’re married and think about going to God about all HIS problems? God will not talk to you
about your husband and his problems expect to tell you to pray for him. You’ll never hear God say,
“Oh, you are so right. Joe really needs to worship Me more and serve Me better. Go forth and NAG
him into it.”
Nope, you will hear God say, “Let’s talk about you. Let’s talk about walking in love. Let’s talk about
your forgiveness. Let’s talk about your patience. Let’s talk about what you do that triggers that action
in your mate.” God only talks to you about you. Your mate has his own relationship with God and that
is who God will talk to about him – him.
So singles – DON’T marry someone who has major issues while you are dating, then expect that to
change after you marry.
Married people – DON’T think you can change your mate with any actions or words on your part.
There is no scripture that says, “Thou shalt nag.” There are scriptures that say, “Walk in love” and
“forgive one another.” There never has been a scripture that gave you permission to try to change
your mate to your perfect idea of what he should be. That is God’s job, not yours. And while you are
pointing a finger at your mate and saying, “You don’t do this right and you sure don’t do that right”
remember – there are 3 fingers pointing back toward YOU.
YOU are your only responsibility to change.
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