| THE 90 DAY RULE |
Employers often enact a 90 day probation (or trial) period of employment. It is a way to carefully evaluate the
staff member's performance, attitude, and potential for success in the job. It also allows an employer to sack a
worker within 90 days if they are not up to the job.
There have been enough studies to show that 90 days is a perfect indicator of what is really inside a person.
Anyone can fake being a good employee for a few months. As they get more comfortable around the job, they
begin to relax and let the “real them” come out.
If they have sloppy work ethic, then that is what will begin to come out. Their perfectly clean desk will slowly
become a pig sty. If they are a thief, then small things might begin traveling home with them – staplers, tape
dispensers, etc. They might begin to be tardy to work.
The same is true in relationships. You don’t really know that person until they begin to get comfortable in your
presence. They may begin to back off the relationship because they really don’t want to make a commitment. A
boyfriend might begin to become verbally abusive as they relax around you.
A friend of mine was "madly" in love with a guy she met. They got along perfectly and seemed to really enjoy
the same things. She felt they were heading for commitment but after about 3 months of dating, he began to
slowly back off. He began to be less emotionally available, then less physically available until he told her he
really wasn't ready for commitment. He broke off with her. Another friend said that the guy she was dating - one
who'd talked "marriage" - suddenly dumped her for no reason (that he would give) after 3 months. He just
stopped calling or coming by her apartment, and wouldn't return her calls.
The same rule can be applied to friendships. If someone comes into your life suddenly wanting to be your friend
and they seem like a perfect match to your personality, wait. You can be friendly but don't tell everything about
yourself or commit secrets to this person. If they are still there and "normal" after 90 days, you can check if they
are consistent in their actions and words. Don't just jump into anything.
This rule is especially good to use in ministry relationships. Often when one is in a public ministry - teacher,
pastor, evangelist, musician, singer - people are drawn to the anointing on your life. They want to be your
friend, but there is usually a hidden agenda. There are also people who want to "buddy up" to you hoping to
get in the "in crowd" or get close to the person in the position of authority.
You can be friendly without exposing everything. I call this the Court Law. In the Old Testament, there were
various "courts" prior to entering the Holy of Holies, where God's presence resided. There was an outer court,
an inner court then the Holy of Holies. Most of your friendships and experiences will be outer court. These are
people you don't share intimate details of your personal life with. You might meet them at church and serve on
a committee with them. You may get along but they aren't really a close friend. You may even go to lunch
occasionally, but it is a "light" friendship - more of an acquaintance you enjoy once in awhile.
An inner court friend is usually one of longer duration, someone you've known a long time. You may share
more details of your life with them than you would anyone else. There are usually not very many inner court
people in your life. You just shouldn't go around telling everyone everything about yourself! Someone who is
using you will use that information against you.
The Holy of Holies relationship is usually reserved for your husband or wife. No one else in my life knows
everything about me like my husband does. He is my only Holy of Holies relationship (aside from God). As a
matter of fact, most of my friends are outer court with only a couple residing in the inner court.
There is nothing wrong with the other friends; I've just learned (the hard way) not to tell everyone everything!
Plus, because I am very careful with the words of my mouth, I really attempt to never talk about things "like they
are" - I prefer to call those things the way I want them (Romans 4:17).
Next time someone wants to be your friend - or you meet someone who seems "perfect" - give in 90 days just to
see what's really inside them!
staff member's performance, attitude, and potential for success in the job. It also allows an employer to sack a
worker within 90 days if they are not up to the job.
There have been enough studies to show that 90 days is a perfect indicator of what is really inside a person.
Anyone can fake being a good employee for a few months. As they get more comfortable around the job, they
begin to relax and let the “real them” come out.
If they have sloppy work ethic, then that is what will begin to come out. Their perfectly clean desk will slowly
become a pig sty. If they are a thief, then small things might begin traveling home with them – staplers, tape
dispensers, etc. They might begin to be tardy to work.
The same is true in relationships. You don’t really know that person until they begin to get comfortable in your
presence. They may begin to back off the relationship because they really don’t want to make a commitment. A
boyfriend might begin to become verbally abusive as they relax around you.
A friend of mine was "madly" in love with a guy she met. They got along perfectly and seemed to really enjoy
the same things. She felt they were heading for commitment but after about 3 months of dating, he began to
slowly back off. He began to be less emotionally available, then less physically available until he told her he
really wasn't ready for commitment. He broke off with her. Another friend said that the guy she was dating - one
who'd talked "marriage" - suddenly dumped her for no reason (that he would give) after 3 months. He just
stopped calling or coming by her apartment, and wouldn't return her calls.
The same rule can be applied to friendships. If someone comes into your life suddenly wanting to be your friend
and they seem like a perfect match to your personality, wait. You can be friendly but don't tell everything about
yourself or commit secrets to this person. If they are still there and "normal" after 90 days, you can check if they
are consistent in their actions and words. Don't just jump into anything.
This rule is especially good to use in ministry relationships. Often when one is in a public ministry - teacher,
pastor, evangelist, musician, singer - people are drawn to the anointing on your life. They want to be your
friend, but there is usually a hidden agenda. There are also people who want to "buddy up" to you hoping to
get in the "in crowd" or get close to the person in the position of authority.
You can be friendly without exposing everything. I call this the Court Law. In the Old Testament, there were
various "courts" prior to entering the Holy of Holies, where God's presence resided. There was an outer court,
an inner court then the Holy of Holies. Most of your friendships and experiences will be outer court. These are
people you don't share intimate details of your personal life with. You might meet them at church and serve on
a committee with them. You may get along but they aren't really a close friend. You may even go to lunch
occasionally, but it is a "light" friendship - more of an acquaintance you enjoy once in awhile.
An inner court friend is usually one of longer duration, someone you've known a long time. You may share
more details of your life with them than you would anyone else. There are usually not very many inner court
people in your life. You just shouldn't go around telling everyone everything about yourself! Someone who is
using you will use that information against you.
The Holy of Holies relationship is usually reserved for your husband or wife. No one else in my life knows
everything about me like my husband does. He is my only Holy of Holies relationship (aside from God). As a
matter of fact, most of my friends are outer court with only a couple residing in the inner court.
There is nothing wrong with the other friends; I've just learned (the hard way) not to tell everyone everything!
Plus, because I am very careful with the words of my mouth, I really attempt to never talk about things "like they
are" - I prefer to call those things the way I want them (Romans 4:17).
Next time someone wants to be your friend - or you meet someone who seems "perfect" - give in 90 days just to
see what's really inside them!
| Copyright © 2006-2010 Anointed Word Ministries All rights reserved. Used by permission. |